With the exception of one day, I had a really bad week last week. I had plans to head into Portland to see some friends on Sunday, and that kept my spirits up.
Things didn't work out and in fact all hell kind of broke loose. So I was stressed out, stabbed in the back/slandered, blown off and sent into a chest-crushing anxiety attack and all I have to show for it is a bunch of cupcakes I have no intention of eating.
Don't ask.
Things are seriously fucked up. I have therapy on Wednesday and that should help, but I'm supposed to be working on building two meaningful relationships in which I am open and honest about my feelings. It's part of the treatment plan that I signed five months ago. Outside of that, I'm supposed to be speaking up when something bothers me or when something or someone makes me happy. I've tried so many times, but I can't ever get the words out. It's stupid because it's not like I don't want to talk to my friends or be close to someone. I want all of that. I took a stab at it last year and felt better than I had in a long time. Things went south overnight and, believing it was my fault, I poured my heart out and it got the shit stomped out of it. I was basically told I was a mistake.
I'm having a hard time believing anything good will come of me doing that again. I know there are people in my life who would never (intentionally) disregard my feelings. If anything, that makes it worse because these are the people who really know me.
You can't live your life on maybes and what ifs. I know that. But I wish I had gotten to this point a lot sooner. I feel like I joined a game that's been played for years and years and it's too far along for me to learn the rules and truly participate.
I know that's just my skewed way of seeing things, and that's something my therapist and I talked about last week; replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I've been doing a pretty good job, but the last couple of weeks have been rough and so many timed I wanted to give up and hide in bed. But I have these stupid people in my life that won't let me forget that they care. And I hold that feeling close, and I keep moving.
Right now it feels like I'm walking through chest-deep mud. I'm tired, I'm in pain, I feel lost. But it's monday and it's a new week and I'm going to do my best to make it a positive one.
I need a hug. Badly.
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