Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Horse latitudes

I haven't been doing very well lately, though I guess that's a recurring theme by now.  Just another wave to ride out, though whether my goal is to get closer to shore or father from it, I can't tell. It doesn't really matter because I'm not really making progress in either direction. That's the way it feels, anyway. 

I'm still going to therapy weekly, still taking Wellbutrin. It helps, I'm trying my best, but there's only so much I can do right now. The reality is I need to be on my own, I need to separate myself from my current situation, otherwise I'm just treading water with weights tied to my ankles. 

Most of the time I feel like a huge fuck up, like I'm not doing myself or anybody else any good. I'm supposed to be working on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, but it's hard. I'm my own worst enemy. How I'm supposed to put a positive spin on that, I have no idea. 

But I have my friends, and I'm learning how to accept their help. I'm learning how to trust again, though that's a one-step-forward-five-steps-back kind of deal, but whatever. I'm trying.

I'm still not sleeping well, and I've had a headache since November. I've been having chest pains for over a month now, which I'm chalking up to stress.  Probably rage, too. I have a couple of unresolved issues in my life, one in particular that eats away at me every second of the day. I can't really do anything about it, and every day I get more and more angry and when I'm alone all I do is cry. I hate myself for being so fucking stupid, for believing I could have what everyone else has. Going back to that place where no one can touch me is going against everything I'm learning in therapy, but I don't believe it will ever be any different for me, so why keep fooling myself? Why keep torturing myself with false hope? There's no point.

Work sucks. Home sucks. I suck. Everything is the worst. I'll probably feel differently next week. I hope I will.  I'll try to. 

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