A Togetherness of Stars

Last night I brought my telescope (and a couple of backyard astronomy books) over to my friend's house and we packed up two of her kids and drove out to Crown Point to do some stargazing. Her daughter (I'll just refer to her as "P") is ten and really interested in science and nature. When I asked "A" if she knew any good places to stargaze that weren't too far outside of Portland, she immediately said, "Crown Point."

So we made plans to go out there, and she kept telling me how excited "P" was. I was excited, too, and happy to be able to share what little knowledge I have of the stars.

It was freezing cold when we got there, but I'd planned ahead and put on long johns under my cords, and I had on a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, my super incredibly warm coat and thermal socks. Not to mention a hat, scarf and gloves. And I still froze my ass off. But it was worth it.

I tried to point out the constellations I knew and which stars they were comprised of. Orion, Canis Major/Minor, Cassiopeia, Gemini, Cygnus, Pegasus, the Dippers, Pleiades, Denub, Betelgeuse, Castor and Pollux, Rigel, Procyon, the winter triangle, Regulus, Polaris, Sirius and all the rest.

Unfortunately, it was too cold for "P" to stand out in the wind for very long, but I did get to show her the moon and Venus. "A" went back to the car, too, but I stayed out and did some more gazing. I saw the Orion Nebulae, which was awesome. Sirius, Rigel. I tried to get a bead on Betelgeuse, but it was too cold and I gave up. "A" had to be at work at 9:30 (we work together, I had the night off), so we headed back into the city. When I got back in the car, "P" was reading one of my library books. Inside I was all "Yay!" I don't want to squeeze out any kids of my own, but I'm happy to be a kickass auntie.

We didn't get to see as much as I would have liked, but I was still really happy to get out and enjoy the stars. Aside from light pollution, Crown Point is a wonderful, wide open place to utilize and enjoy your telescope.

I can't wait to go back.

It's going to be clear again tonight, so I'm going to take the 'scope out into the yard tonight and show my sister. Too bad I have to work. Arrrgh.

By the way, did I mention that a friend ("M") from work gave me her telescope?

Therapy is going well, though I've only had two sessions so far. I've booked appointments for the next two weeks; the next one is this Tuesday at 2:00, and then the other is on February 8th at 4:15. I'm playing around with times to see what works for my stupid night shift schedule.

She recommended I read a book called "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson, so I got it from the library. It's only 94 pages, so it won't take long to read.

Next session we're going to work on relaxation techniques. That will help me a lot. I have a hard time relaxing.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping for almost two months now. It sucks. Nothing works. I fall asleep (with great difficulty) and wake up two hours later, completely unable to fall back to sleep. It got so bad that I sort of collapsed at work. And again last week when I was out in the yard with my telescope.

I hate insomnia with the white-hot fire of a thousand suns.

Lastly, the moon (with earthshine) and Venus.

Brief and to the point.

Shit sucks. I'm not talking about feces, just everything right now. I don't want to have to worry about people anymore. But I guess that's the price you pay for loving them.

Fuck.

Baby steps to the door.

I started therapy on Monday. It's "exciting" for me because this is the first time in my life I've gone in to therapy on medication and willing to do the work and make the changes. I'm not saying it will be easy, but it's going to be good for me.

Sessions are only 45 minutes which just does not seem like enough time, but I have a $20 co-pay and unlimited sessions through my insurance.

The first session was her just going over the paperwork with me. She said some things that I took issue with, but I'm letting it slide for now. I can address that later on. She said I obviously have PTSD and it seems like I have secondary PTSD, too. I didn't even know there was such a thing as secondary PTSD. She wants to do weekly sessions for now, so I booked another appointment for next Wednesday. I'm scared and excited to get started. She mainly does cognitive therapy, which I like. I really need to learn to turn my negative thoughts around and focus on the positive. It's hard.

I've decided to join a gym. I hate them in general, but I've got four races to train for this year, and I can't run outside when it's cold; asthma makes my lungs freeze up. So I found a place called Anytime Fitness. It's $35 a month to join, which I don't think is bad, but I'm not sure what (if any) contract I'd have to sign. I'm hoping to stop in sometime this week to check it out.

Went to a Winterhawks game last Friday. It was Mascot Night, which was awesome. I've always wanted to go to a mascot game, and it was a lot of fun. The Hawks won (against the Kelowna Rockets) 2 - 1. I'm trying to get ten people together for one of the upcoming promotional games; if you get a ten pack, the tickets are cheaper and everyone gets a free hat! So far I've just got me, my friend and her son, and another friend and two of her kids. We'll need four more people, but they just about exhausts my supply of friends.

Had a bit of snow the other night. Me and a couple of the girls ran out and played in the white stuff on our lunch break. Good times! Thankfully, it was all slush by the time we got off work.

Saturday I'm planning on going to the roller derby season opener. It's their seventh season and I still have not been to a single game.

That's about it for now. More later.

Blurgh.

Spent all of New Years Eve and a good part of New Years day puking my guts out every 30 minutes. Not fun. Luckily I'd gone up to my mom's house to make food for the potluck we were having at work (which I never made it to because I was dying), so she took care of me.

I'm feeling mostly better, though I can't stand up for very long and I hurt everywhere. Work ought to be fun tomorrow.

Well, 2012, it's all uphill from here! 

Now I think I'll boot up Sims2 and see how my little families are doing.

Another Christmas come and gone. We don't really celebrate it anymore.  Just another excuse for my mom to make a bunch of food and for us to eat it. And that's fine; any time spent with family is good. I just hate Christmas. It was always my dad's thing, him decorating the house and putting on the oldies channel for the Christmas music. The last year he was alive, he didn't even come up from the basement to open presents with us. I had to bring his present down to him.

Over the last few years I've come to hate this time of year for reminding me of everything I've lost. This year has been particularly bad, especially these last couple of months. I've never felt so alone and helpless in all of my life. Never felt like giving up before, but I'm close. As close as I care to get. So I'm on anti-depressants, and my goal this week is to set up an appointment to start therapy. I've found somewhere to go and I printed and filled out all the paperwork. Now all I have to do is make the call.

Here's to a better 2012, for all of us.

Create and Complete

I've been having a hard time lately, for various reasons, but I faced some hard truths last week and I'm just...tired. Tired of being miserable. Tired of hating myself. I went for my three month ADHD medication consult with my NP last week and I was determined to open up and tell her the truth (for once) when she asked me how I was doing. And I did. I told her everything and she said, 'Do you think antidepressants might help?" I said, "I think it's worth a try."

So she started me on 150mg of Wellbutrin XL or, as I like to call it, Gleemonex. (Gleemonex makes it feel like it's seventy-two degrees in your head...all...the...time!)  My NP said Wellbutrin is usually "clustered" with ADHD meds, so I may find that it boosts my Dexedrine. I've only been taking it for a couple of days, and so far I don't feel any different. It's hard to tell from inside, you know?

I've emailed a few therapists about coming in for a consult so I can get back into therapy and fix the way I think because, let's face it, it's not working. I just want to be happy again.

Hopefully I can be.

So what does this whole story mean? The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day. Lalalalalala. It sounds better in the original Croatian.

For who can bear to feel himself forgotten?

“Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.”

― W.H. Auden