Dazed and confused

I'm officially on vacation until Monday. I'd be more excited about it if I were actually doing something, but the truth is my car is on empty and I'm so broke I won't be able to fill the tank until Friday (payday). 

I had originally taken Friday off so I could go to the Winterhawks home opener, but my cat has been having some health issues lately and I'm hundreds of dollars in debt for her medical care, not to mention all the other debt I have. I can't justify a hockey game right now.  So that fucking blows. I've been to the home opener every year for several years now. 

I can't afford to get my meds refilled, so I'm going on three days off my antidepressants. I would really like to just go to sleep and never wake up again.  I'm tired of everything. Tired of the sadness, tired of the pain, tired of uncertainty, tired of the shame, confusion and things left unsaid.  I don't know how to get out from under it all, and I've about given up trying.  Driving home from work this morning, I was so overwhelmed with everything, I went into a crying/laughing fit. I felt like I was losing my mind. I had to pull over until it passed, and then I just put my head down on the steering wheel and cried some more. 

This is why I don't like to take vacation.

Saturday my friend is throwing her annual party, and I'm looking forward to that. If I stop to think about it, I get nervous because parties aren't really my thing (at all) and I don't know very many of the people attending. I'm a social pirana and I don't really do well in social settings.  I'm an observer by nature, and I'm content to just sit back and watch people, fascinated by how easily they live their lives.

Maybe I'll bring my guitar and find an out-of-the-way place to play and work on some songs. 

I may or may not be going to Virginia for vacation next month around Halloween. I'm also going to see Margaret Cho on the 13th. Pretty excited about that.  I haven't been to Helium since last year when my friends and I saw Scott Thompson and Kevin McDonald. My friend and I met Scott; I'm still in shock.  I really really really hope we get to meet Margaret. I want to talk to her about kidney stones. 

Kidding.

Nothing else to say, I guess.