The wheel weaves as the wheel will

Lots going on, but with raging ADHD and no internet access from home, I can't bring myself to update much.  I'm on my lunch break at work right now.  The Leonid meteor showers are tonight, but I'll miss them, again, because I work graveyard.

RockerBoy and I are signed on for another year at our apartment, so he went all out and started decorating/arranging the place. It looks awesome, and I'd post pics but... ADHD. The weather is finally getting better, so we've been walking more, but RockerBoy's asthma has been really bad since December, and we've been dealing with medical leave and doctor visits/testing, etc. in all that time. It's been stressful, but we've got each other, so we get by. 

We have had Bummer for almost six months now, and he's really come into his own. In other words, he's an insufferable brat. Kidding! He's just a regular puppy who just happens to be deaf and mostly blind. I'm just now getting him confident enough to walk down the three flights of stairs at our apartment by himself. His depth perception is obviously messed up, and he goes very slowly, but he knows he gets a treat at each of the landings, so his tail is always wagging. We had a puppy reunion with his sister, Daisy, (also deaf/blind) a couple of months ago, and much fun was had by all. It was great to see them playing together again, as apparently they had been really close as littermates. 

Curly Joe just turned seven, and is starting to slow down a bit in his old age. As soon as we get our tax return money, we're going to take him in for a tune up, get him on arthritis meds so he'll feel better. 

In about two weeks, RockerBoy and I will celebrate our one year wedding anniversary, although on April 28th it will be two years that he came out here (and never left). Hard to believe so much time has gone by; it feels like we've been together forever (in a good way). I never really knew what love was until him. I guess that's cliche, but that's how I feel.  That's not to say we don't have our rough patches, but nothing any other couple doesn't go through. Mostly it's laughs and smiles, which my friends call "the honeymoon stage," but I just call "us." We're goofy and nerdy and love to prank each other.  For April Fools this year, I surprised him with a plate of "weenie linguine." He ate all of it with a smile on his face.  

I look forward to many, many more years with this guy and our weirdo, messed up dogs. 

I'd write more, but my time is up.  Happy Earth Day, internet.

Overwhelmed

I've got the week off for my birthday, and I'm trying to get pre-wedding stuff taken care of.  It's hard to do while unmedicated, which is why I made an appointment to see my LNP tomorrow for a med consult. I've been off Dexedrine and Wellbutrin since at least November, and I've reached my limit. I need help. I've got an appointment with my LNP tomorrow afternoon, and I should be back on track in no time.  Not that my track is set up properly, but it's mine, dammit, and it works for me. 

Meanwhile, I've gained over 20 pounds in the last year and I'm having daily panic attacks about getting fat again. I can't fit into most of my clothes anymore, and I feel like a disgusting blob.  Rocker Boy says I have to stop treating myself like shit, that I'm beautiful and a hottie and he loves me the way I am. While I believe he's telling me the truth, I still can't help feeling like shit. I've been stress-eating like crazy, that's a big culprit. So once I get back on my ADHD meds, it'll cut down on 99% of my anxiety, and I'll eat normally again. 

Speaking of which, I think I'm going to make beer chili for my birthday.  I made some for Rocker Boy's 40th and we both loved it. Needed tomato sauce, though. Mmmm. Beer.

I'm trying to figure out this marriage license stuff and ... uggghh.  So much work! I can't wait to get back on the meds so this'll be less overwhelming. But I love organizing things and filling shit out, and I like to be as prepared as possible because I'm so flighty with the ADHD. I'm working on this online marriage license form, but I don't know how to spell my soon-to-be mother-in-law's maiden name.

WORK WORK WORK!

Create and Complete

I've been having a hard time lately, for various reasons, but I faced some hard truths last week and I'm just...tired. Tired of being miserable. Tired of hating myself. I went for my three month ADHD medication consult with my NP last week and I was determined to open up and tell her the truth (for once) when she asked me how I was doing. And I did. I told her everything and she said, 'Do you think antidepressants might help?" I said, "I think it's worth a try."

So she started me on 150mg of Wellbutrin XL or, as I like to call it, Gleemonex. (Gleemonex makes it feel like it's seventy-two degrees in your head...all...the...time!)  My NP said Wellbutrin is usually "clustered" with ADHD meds, so I may find that it boosts my Dexedrine. I've only been taking it for a couple of days, and so far I don't feel any different. It's hard to tell from inside, you know?

I've emailed a few therapists about coming in for a consult so I can get back into therapy and fix the way I think because, let's face it, it's not working. I just want to be happy again.

Hopefully I can be.

So what does this whole story mean? The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day. Lalalalalala. It sounds better in the original Croatian.

Stonewatch 2010

Just went to see my doctor. I gave her Stone #1, and she said she would contact the ER for a copy of my CAT scan. After reviewing it, she may refer me to a urologist, which I believe I was supposed to call one after I got out of the ER. Yay for ADD.

So no work for me. It's driving me nuts.

Oh and I have to go pick up drops for the pink eye. My doctor just looked at me and said, "You poor thing. Kidney stones are bad enough on their own!"

So that's that.

Doc is sending my stone off to be analyzed. Will be interesting to find out what kind it is and how to NEVER GET THEM EVER AGAIN.

Firefighter hockey tonight, but I can't go unless someone drives me. I have no friends, so there goes that.

Tonight's gave seven versus Spokane will determine whether or not the Winterhawks move on to Round Two. Fingers, toes and kidney stones crossed.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Icy balm

The Wings lost 6 - 0 last night. Owwwwwwww, my heart.

The best remedy for *cough*bad*cough* hockey is ... more hockey. So tonight before work, I'm going to the firefighter' last regular season game. They're up against 3rd Rock who, by some amazing coincidence, are third in the standing. I imagine they all look like John Lithgow.

I dropped my iPhone at work last night and now the screen is fucked. I can turn the phone on and click around, but the screen just stays grey. Or blue. Or light purple. Sooo ... shit. Guess I have to give AT&T a call. I don't like not having a phone. I feel safer knowing help is only a phone call away at any given time. Ergh.

R got us all Voodoo Doughnuts last night, and was kind enough to get two vegan ones for me. I ate half of one on my break because I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before.

On that note, I've been playing around with my Dexedrine spansules. I've been taking 20mg at once and it worked pretty well for several months, but a friend of mine takes 15mg and then 10mg an hour later (I believe), so I thought I would try that. I had to get my Rx refilled yesterday, so I took one spansule when picked them up and another an hour and a half later. I picked a great time to experiment; things have been picking up at work, and we were really overwhelmed last night. I was able to focus really well and get a lot done. I was still a half hour past my scheduled time, but oh well. I need the overtime. Too bad the company forbids it. I think if any of those pigfuckers in Corporate had to work night shift, they'd seriously reconsider that little rule.

But I digress. I do tend to get hyperfocused a lot at work. You wouldn't normally think that's a bad thing, but if my supervisor and or/co-workers didn't remind me, I'd work straight through my lunch. I've lost 30 pound since being diagnosed with ADHD almost a year ago (January 24th). I started taking the instant release Dexedrine in February and switched to spansules in May. Needless to say, I wouldn't have lost this much (or any?) weight if it hadn't been for the meds. As if literal peace of mind weren't enough, they help me not stuff my face with food every time I'm stressed out. I have found that, when I take a day or two off from the meds, I'm still able to eat reasonably.

Anyway, the dogs are staring at me, so I'd better feed them before they eat one of the cats. I let them out when I got home and Curly Joe wiped out trying to run up onto the porch. From where I was standing, it looked like somebody threw him at the house; I laughed so hard, I woke up my sister.

Oh! Wait! Some lovely hockey news:

Winterhawks Place 5 On NHL's Top-100 Draft List

POSTED: 11:46 am PST January 12, 2010

PORTLAND, Ore. -- The NHL's Central Scouting Bureau has released its mid-term draft rankings, and five Portland Winterhawks players are among the top-100 draft eligible skaters. Forward Nino Niederreiter is ranked No. 14, center Ryan Johansen is ranked No. 16, defenseman Troy Rutkowski is ranked No. 43, forward Brad Ross is No. 69 and defenseman Taylor Aronson is No. 90. No other Western Hockey League club has more than three skaters among the top 100. The NHL Draft is scheduled for June 25 and 26 in Los Angeles. The Winterhawks visit Kamloops on Wednesday.

My baby hockey is better than your baby hockey! Thhhhpppphhhhtt!

Gad, I hope I can get my phone fixed.

P.S. Watch this. Repeatedly.

Just can't win.

I had an appointment with my NP this morning. She is the doctor I see in regards to my ADHD and ADHD medications. I had an appointment at 10:00 and my sister (who also sees her) had an appointment at 10:30. We were going to carpool. I woke up at 10:15, just in time to see my sister leaving the house. I've left several messages for the NP and her assistant (plus an e-mail to the assistant) with no word back. The funny thing is, the doctor joked to my sister, "We need to tweak her meds!" That's exactly what I made the appointment for; 20mg of extended release Dexedrine work well, but I can tell that going a little higher would be beneficial. So hopefully I can get an appointment set up soon. Being on vacation this week, I'm trying to live normal hours as much as possible before going back to work Saturday night. [Update: Heard back from assitant (e-mail). DocMeds is out of town for the rest of the week, so I'm trying to see what she's got available next week. I'll be out of meds until then, but I only have to work Saturday, so I'm not going to freak out.]

In other medical news, I just heard back from my (regular) doctor.

• The good: I'm no longer vitamin D deficient. The doc wants me to take the supplement every other day, rather than once a day.
• The bad: I am low on vitamin B12 and iron.

Doc wants me to take a multivitamin and recommends the one they sell at the office. It's $22 for 90 capsules, which...GAH. Or I could take an OTC one. I do take a multi-vitamin every day at work; I take the Cholestoff, the garlic pill, the omega pills and the B vitamins (plus the multi) on my 11:00 break every day. If I remember, I take my sublingual b12 supplement on my second break at the end of the night.

I'm hesitant to buy the supplement from my doctor because the nurse told me it was more easily absorbed; I know that animal-derived iron is more easily absorbable than non-animal, so I don't want to take that shit. Instead, I'm looking at foods that are high in iron. One website lists enriched breakfast cereals, cooked beans and lentils, and pumpkins seeds as excellent sources of iron. Good courses are: canned beans, baked potato with skin, enriched pasta and canned asparagus. This same website lists as iron absorption enhancers: orange, OJ, cantaloupe, strawberries, grapefruit, etc. Broccoli, brussels sprouts, tomato, tomato juice, potato, green and red peppers, and white wine. As iron absorption inhibitors, it lists: red wine, coffee and tea, spinach, chard, beet greens, rhubarb and sweet potatoes, also whole grain, bran and soy products.

So it seems like no matter what foods you eat, something's fucking something else up. I could have sworn that spinach was a good source of iron. Ironically, I have spinach, soy and whole grain products every day, and I hold back on the citrus fruit because it tends to negate or lessen the efficacy of my ADHD medication.

She didn't say anything about my cholesterol, so I'm assuming that's no longer a concern. I also forgot to ask about my thyroid. Grubs says that her concern over my thyroid (and my low iron and B12) is because I never eat. I have seen myself adopting the stance that it's better to miss a couple of meals than to add extra meals, and that's not good. It's good that I'm not overeating, but by missing meals, I'm afraid I might possibly move into eating disorder territory. All I really need to do is figure out how to eat well and get enough exercise to where I can eat lots of good food and still lose weight. My doctor might be concerned about my thyroid because of how much weight I've lost. I don't think I've lost enough, but perhaps she thinks it's strange that it came off so "easily." She does know I'm on Dexedrine, but maybe she doesn't realize or remember that it kills your appetite.

At any rate, I'm really happy that my D is up because I know realize how bad that is for you.

I have vowed to eat more oatmeal, though, and I think that has helped. I have found that added chopped walnuts to it makes it more palatable. I love oatmeal, I just can't eat very much of it. I figure I'll just get some plain soy milk and add a bit of that (I make oatmeal with water), as well as some cinnamon or maybe carob powder and some walnuts. That's a good breakfast. Plus, I need to start drinking my smoothies again when I get home from work. That way I get get a good dose of vitamin C without having to worry about it effecting my meds.

Ok. A little research. For iron, I just need to eat cashews, rice, tofu, lentils and garbanzo beans. I thought rice was an inhibitor, though? Anyway. I figure I'll just decrease the amount of spinach I put in my salad and throw in garbanzo beans as well. I reckon I just need to put some effort into my meals. My biggest meal is what I have for lunch at work every day, and that is a big salad of mixed greens and spinach (with sunflower seeds sprinkled on top); followed by brown/long grain rice with some sort of wheat meat thrown in. Or it'll be jasmine rice. That's pretty much all I eat. When I get up, I usually just take my meds and let the dogs out and then forget to eat. By the time I remember, I don't feel like eating. Or I'll just have a piece of bread. When I get home from work, same thing. So I need to be smart and eat for my health, not for convenience. This sounds really good...

HOCKEY WITH R TONIGHT!!!!!